Brutally Honest Greeting Cards for Parents

Congratulations on your vasectomy!-- and other unexpressed regards.

Since I’ve quit using cannabis, the most Martha Stewart-y thing I do is keep a drawer stocked with a variety of greeting cards for a variety of occasions. I used to pick them up whenever I was meandering around without much to do, killing time because I had writer’s block or wandering into one of those local boutiques that only sell doodads and stocking stuffers. Weddings, birthdays, sympathy, goodbye, welcome, Happy New Year, congratulations– I’ve got them all. I even have one that says “FUCK 2020!” on the front that I once had big plans for, but now I’ll probably never give away.

Before my little collection of cards existed, the greeting card was always the thing I’d forget to include with gifts until the last minute, and I’d end up rolling in late to every graduation party or housewarming because I had to stop at CVS and make a mad dash for the Hallmark aisle and then I’d get stuck in line at the self-checkout behind somebody who had apparently not only never used a self-checkout before, but had never handled paper currency or ever spoken to another human being.

Skipping the card entirely isn’t an option for me in many circumstances; some people are bold enough to hand a cardless gift to somebody celebrating a specific occasion; I am not. So I have the drawer.

I now have even less time to read all the cute little greeting cards in the boutique that also sells tea towels with small maps of different Los Angeles neighborhoods printed on them than ever before. At the same time, I’ve found myself in circumstances that none of the greeting cards I currently have really suit. The one that says “We’re Rooting For You!” featuring an anthropomorphic mug of root beer is cute, but does it fully encompass the feeling of seeing a friend I haven’t seen since before I was pregnant? The “Let’s Party!” cards don’t quite work for an occasion I’ll only be attending for twenty minutes so that I can rush home in time to relieve my husband who is taking a shift being in charge of the baby while on a deadline.

So in that spirit, here are some hyper-specific, brutally honest greeting cards for parents to give and receive. They don’t exist, as far as I know… yet, and they’re not all specific to my circumstances. But given conversations I’ve had with other parents and some experiences I’ve had, maybe they should!

For simplicity’s sake, I’ve sorted them into categories.

Illness

"Somebody In The Bouncy Castle Had Hand, Foot, And Mouth Disease

(Inside) So keep an eye out for a yucky little rash over the next few days! It happens! Day cares are little Grand Central Stations of germs and that’s just how these things work."

"If You Come Over to Visit My Newborn When You Have a Cold, I Will Murder You

(Inside) This card is admissible in a court of law, but no jury would convict me. Seriously, if you’re sick, stay home until you’re not."

"Sorry My Toddler Gave You Strep Throat

(Inside) [shruggie emoji]"

"Thank You For Not Kissing the Baby!

(Inside) He doesn't have an immune system!"

"It Seems I’ve Been a Bit Unpleasant!

(Inside) I am a hormone monster!"

"Did I Act Weird At Your Party?

(Inside) Sorry if I did. My brain has broken and I’ve forgotten how to be normal."

Encouragement

"You’re Doing Great!

(Inside) I repeat: You’re Doing Great!" (but in an enormous font)

"You Don’t Need to Pretend To Be Happy Around Me

(Inside) I had PPD, too. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s terrible, but it’s normal. I’m here if you need me."

Announcement

"Let’s Be Mom Friends! (alt: Let’s Be Dad Friends!)

(Inside) Please! I'm so lonely!"

"Don’t Come Over!

(Inside) I just gave birth! I’m exhausted, bleeding from the vag, my boobs have exploded, I smell like cheese, and the newborn has no idea what’s going on. So, let’s figure out when to FaceTime instead!"

"The Baby Isn’t Grumpy, She Just Doesn’t Like Your Face

(Inside) She hasn’t developed manners yet."

Congratulations

"You’re Pregnant!

(Inside) Please accept this enormous box of hand-me-downs. Also… congratulations!"

"You’re One Of The Good Ones

(Inside) Wishing you a speedy recovery from your vasectomy!"

Thank You (specific)

"Thank You For Buying Off The Fucking Registry

(Inside) blank"

"World’s Greatest Party Aunt! / Party Uncle!

(Inside) Thank you for letting me live vicariously through your single, kid-free adventures."

"Thank You For Saying I Look Great

(Inside) I know I don’t but hearing it is nice."

"To The World’s Okayest Grandpa

(inside) To the man who only mildly insulted our choice in names before the birth, The man who said I’d spoil the baby if I held them too much, The man who sat around watching football at a very low volume while I waited on him hand and foot the day I came home from the hospital, Thanks for not being any worse. Happy Father’s Day."

Wedding

"Not having kids at your wedding is totally your choice and I do not begrudge you for it, however, at this stage in my baby’s life, it’s not possible for us to attend your no-kids wedding. This isn’t us punishing you for making a choice that is entirely within your rights to make! We wouldn’t have a baby-friendly wedding, either, if we were having our wedding today. This is us being realistic about our ability to find and pay for suitable childcare for the amount of time we’d be at the wedding and in transit to and from the wedding, given our kid’s age and needs and our current budget. So please accept this card with cash in it and our regrets, and we look forward to seeing you and toasting your marriage as soon as we’re able.

(inside) blank "

Original illustration by Amanda Penley