Do You Really Want to Know How I'm Feeling?
Probably not!
The internet is a great resource for discovering that an off-handed question or comment you made to somebody may have actually been annoying. For example, before I’d spent much time around pregnant women, I often would have no idea what to talk to them about and so I’d panic and ask them something like, “How are you feeling?” or “When’s your due date?”
“How are you feeling?” is the most polite of the panic-questions people who don’t know what else to say when they find themselves in conversation with a visibly pregnant person. But, regardless of intention, unless the pregnant woman they’re addressing is among the top 10% of the world’s most patient people (and if they are, good for them) she probably gets tired of hearing it, and tired of responding to it. That’s because “How are you feeling?” is the #1 thing we get asked, day in and day out, and we know that 90% of the time you don’t want the real answer.
Do you really want to start a chat with me about varicose veins? Do you really want to talk about poop stuff? Do you want to hear about how I ate 15 Impossible! Meat nuggets last night and nothing else? Wanna hear about my blood-filled sink every time I brush my teeth? I accidentally saw myself nude from the waist up in the mirror the other day and it sent me into a sprial, do you want to hear about that? To be a human is to be disgusting, and to be pregnant is to be disgusting times two. Even “good” pregnancies feel less good than not being pregnant. Respectfully, you probably don’t want to know how a pregnant woman you know only casually is feeling.
(Did I mention that one common side effect of pregnancy is crankiness?)
I can’t begrudge people for trying to be polite. Pregnant women hear absolutely wild things from people who should know better all the time– “Was this on purpose?” “How much weight have you gained so far?” “Are you going to breastfeed?” There are the comments about the size of one’s body (Are you sure there aren’t twins in there?? is a particularly annoying one). There are unsolicited birth horror stories from people who probably should be working with a therapist, or people who are probably not at liberty to share the private medical details of their cousin’s wife’s fistula. Something about pregnancy causes otherwise normal people to turn churlish.
I’ve had awhile to think about this now, and I’ve come up with some alternative conversation starters in the event that you, a non-pregnant person, finds yourself in conversation with a pregnant person and you want to show that you care without being annoying.
NO: Where’s my baby?
Unnecessarily confrontational/demanding of a person who is already giving quite enough to the process of baby creation. Don’t say this to moms-to-be. We hate it!
How would you like it if you were working on a novel and your aunt texted you asking “How’s my novel?” Now multiple that by a factor of several and imagine that the act of writing unlocks a primal protective instinct in you. When people would refer to my older daughter as “my baby” when I was very pregnant and newly postpartum, it made me want to throw a car at them.
SAY THIS INSTEAD: Do you have anything fun planned before the birth?
Lots of people go on trips, known as “babymoons,” during their pregnancy. People enjoy talking about travel plans more than they like discussing their own physical discomfort, so try to get them chatting about fun times!
[PEDANT ASIDE: The term “babymoon,” like “webinar” and “momtrepreneur", makes no sense structurally as portmanteaux. The word “honeymoon” likely refers to the old English term for “Mead Moon” or “Honey Moon,” the full moon in the month of June when honey was harvested and weddings were customarily celebrated. It also might be a remark on the fleeting nature of marital bliss, which like the moon, quickly wanes after a period of fullness. “Honeymoon” also once referred to the first month of a couple’s marriage, not their first trip together as a married couple which they were ostensibly spending doin it. There is no “Baby Moon” in the calendar. And unlike stereotypical romantic love, babies do not fade away, they simply get bigger and louder. These are facts best kept to yourself if a pregnant woman tells you she’s going on a “babymoon.”]
NO: Is the baby here yet?/ Are you in labor yet?/ Why aren’t you in labor yet?
Asking a person who is not in labor this stresses them out. Texting this to somebody who is in labor and didn’t have you on the “inform while in labor” list stresses them out. You’ll know when you’re supposed to know. They’ll tell you when they want to tell you. All this question does is annoy them.
SAY THIS INSTEAD: What’s something you’ve given up during pregnancy that you’re really excited to have again after you give birth?
Women are expected to give up a ton of shit during pregnancy. Some Emily Oster-heads decide to take calculated risks on foods or activities that may be harmful; others live like they’re on a total dopamine fast because they want to minimize as many risks as they possibly can. Here’s a partial list of things that women are told are risky while pregnant: sushi, lunchmeat, bagged salads, alcohol, ibuprofen, retinol-containing skincare products, most prescriptions, sleeping on one’s back after the 20th week, raw oysters, botox, unwashed fruits and vegetables, lifting weights, hot baths, marijuana, smoked salmon, runny eggs, soft serve ice cream, hollandaise sauce, coffee, saunas, amusement parks, real caesar dressing, changing the cat litter box, foot acupressure, high-mercury fish like tuna, medium-rare and rare steaks, deli salads, herbal tea, and cigarettes. Chances are any pregnant woman you talk to has given up several things on that list and misses at least one of them.
NO: What names have you picked out?
People will volunteer this information if they want you to know. And if they tell you, you have to pretend you like the name even if you don’t like the name. Did you really want to act out the role of “Person who is stoked about the future existsence of a little girl named ‘Prinsleigh’” today?
SAY THIS INSTEAD: Did you hear about those two influencers who got into a fight because both of them named their baby “Baby”?
If the pregnant woman has not heard of the 2021 rumored influencer-on-influencer scuffle that resulted when an Australian model/influencer named Jessica Hart named her baby Baby, just three years after her friend, Montauk gal-about-town/influencer Sasha Benz named her baby “Babyi,” now’s your chance to tell her all about it.
Sasha’s Babyi was born in 2018. When Jessica was pregnant in 2020, according to tabloids, she went to her friend for advice on how to pick a cool name. But then! Jessica stole Sasha’s Babyi/baby name, allegedly explaining over text that the names weren’t the same because they were spelled differently. I love everything about this story. Spreading the word will only spread joy.
NO: How are you feeling?
Reasons explained.
SAY THIS INSTEAD: Have you seen the new Dune?
If you’re not on a level of personal closeness with a pregnant woman where you genuinely, honestly, truly want to hear how she’s doing (which is often bad, gross, or bad and gross), consider speaking to her as you’d speak to a non-pregnant person.
We’re still all regular people underneath all the reproductive accoutrements we’re toting around. Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded of that.
How about, “have you gotten a massage yet? Seriously, it’s a little slice of heaven on earth, just go to someone who knows the pressure points to avoid (or stimulate)!!”
I abhorred being pregnant the first time, and loved it the second time. I also had a cousin who touched my belly so I turned around and rubbed hers. She was shocked and insulted, so I said, oh I thought it was inappropriate touching of others’ bodies time. She said but you’re pregnant! I said and that still doesn’t give you the right to touch me without permission!! 😁