'Geriatric Pregnancy' And Other Bizarre Reproductive Vocabulary
Lots of good potential band names in here
The first time I heard the phrase "geriatric pregnancy," I thought it was a joke. Sadly, nope.
It has fallen out of favor in recent years--replaced with "Advanced Maternal Age," a poisonous little stinger of innuendo that sounds like it was born on the tongue of a John Cheever short story bĂȘte noire-- but there are some doctors who still use the phrase, presumably with a straight face. It means a pregnancy that occurs in a woman over the age of 35. On a practical level, it means that my insurance paid for more genetic testing than it would have if I had children when I was ungeriatric, and it serves as an important reminder that modern gynecological practice has some pretty bleakly sexist roots.
Some of the pregnancy words I've heard bandied about are just plain strange-sounding. Because it's the weekend, I'll leave you with a list of some of the odder, clunkier, or funnier-sounding vocabulary I've come across since being With Child, and what they sound like they should mean.
Geriatric pregnancy:
Actual definition: Pregnancy occurring in a person 35 or older.
What it sounds like it means: The character on the box for an Old Maid card game-- granny in a dress with high socks, white hair held back in a bun with knitting needles, wearing a jaunty straw hat--is pregnant. She's 36.
Braxton Hicks:
Actual definition: "false labor" contractions that occur in the second and third trimester, named after Dr. John Braxton Hicks, who studied the phenomenon in the 1870's. Tangentially, as I was working on this, I was curious if there were actually people named Braxton Hicks, whose mothers had undergone pregnancy without learning or being informed that "Braxton Hicks" is a name for "false labor" contractions that happen during the second and third trimesters, or learning what it means and naming their children "Braxton Hicks" anyway, and it turns out that (according to Facebook, at least) there are a surprising number of people named Braxton Hicks.
What it sounds like it means: A fraternity pledge at Ole Miss.
Dizygotic twins:
Actual definition: Twins that develop from two separate zygotes, aka fraternal twins.
What it sounds like it means: Evil twins
Incompetent cervix:
Actual definition: when the cervix opens prior to labor, when it isn't supposed to, resulting in medical emergency.
What it sounds like it means: the cervix's father is the producer on the project, so it isn't really presented as a choice whether or not to hire him as a PA. He's useless. All he does is make playlists.
Lightning crotch:
Actual definition: when the weight of a pregnant uterus puts pressure on nerves in the cervix or vagina, resulting in the feeling of getting kicked really hard in the crotch, but from inside.
What it sounds like it means: being able to shoot electricity from one's crotch, as a Marvel comic book hero might, if Marvel had the courage to electrify the vaginas of its female characters. Have you ever read The Power? Like that.
Kegels:
Actual definition: pelvic floor strengthening exercises
What it sounds like it means: an Austrian chain of grocery stores
Superfetation:
Actual definition: a rare medical event where a person who is already pregnant ovulates again and that egg, too, is successfully fertilized, resulting in a twin pregnancy where the fetuses are different gestational ages.
What it sounds like it means: when a fetus develops super powers in utero
Candidiasis
Actual definition: yeast infection
What it sounds like it means: an annoying Greek a cappella group in the tradition of Pentatonix
Chadwick's sign:
Actual definition: change in appearance of genitalia indicating early pregnancy
What it sounds like it means: a Nicholas Sparks novel about a special needs boy (Chadwick) who doctors said would never walk who overcomes the odds and learns how to with the help of the beautiful deaf girl next door (Arabella) who is also a talented athlete. As teenagers, the two fall in love. Chadwick learns ASL to communicate with her, and the two play sports together. But Chadwick eventually leaves Arabella behind to pursue his dream of being a pro BMX biker. Chadwick rises to the top of the BMX world, but along the way cannot resist the temptations attendant to his fame: booze, women, drugs, etc. Chadwick is all messed up before a big race and gets in a serious accident. He ends up in the hospital, paralyzed. As he's recovering he winds up in a rehab center with-- you guessed it-- Arabella, who is a PT there. The two reconnect and she helps him learn to walk again. One day at work, she has a sudden aneurysm and dies.
Relaxin:
Actual definition: A hormone that makes a pregnant person's ligaments and joints more flexible
What it sounds like it means: exactly what it means. Good job, science.
Fallopian tube
Actual definition: tube the egg travels down as it makes its way from the ovum to the uterus
What it sounds like it means: a super fun type of twisty slide
Blighted ovum
Diamniotic twins
Actual definition: Twins that develop in separate amniotic sacks
What it sounds like it means: Evil twins
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