Mommy's Little Future Nightmare, Daddy's Little Nun
The sexual double standard lives... on baby clothes.
All I wanted was a multipack of gender neutral baby pajamas.
I was in a large chain store for baby supplies, the right place for what I figured would be down-the-middle staples. But what I found was my first horrifying sight of 2021 spooky season.
It was a ballet-pink bodysuit emblazoned with cutesy writing that spelled out the words "I'm Not Allowed To Date... Ever." The size: Newborn.
It lived on a rack alongside its neighbors "Sorry Daddy, Now You've Got 2 Bosses," "Tutus & Touchdowns!," "Bows & Bling It's a girl thing," and last, but not least: "I found my prince his name is Daddy" [sic].
Things were slightly better in the baby boys' section, where the onesies advertised that the 8-15 pound incontinent human wearing them was a "future ladies' man," and "got my muscles from my daddy."
I was a little confused. There was no blue "I'm not allowed to date... ever" onesie available for baby boys, and no "Future maneater" onesies for baby girls, not that I expected there to be. Baby boys, we can assume, are allowed to grow up and date, but girls are not allowed to grow up and date, even though people will want to date them. Therefore, are we to extrapolate that all of the baby boys will grow up to date each other, and all of the baby girls will remain celibate? Certainly some baby boys will discover that they are queer as they grow up, just as some girls will discover they are asexual, but this math doesn't make sense! Some of these little girls are going to grow up to be gay women who date each other, thus possibly violating the promises made on two separate baby onesies. Some of these kids are going to heterosexually date each other, thus possibly violating one dad proclamation that girls aren't allowed to date! Why are we even thinking about this? They're babies!
As far as shudder-inducing baby clothes go, those at the big chain store aren't even that bad.
Like many neurotic left-wing consumers, I try to buy from small businesses or local establishments when I can, so I'd already scoured Etsy. I recommend it if you, too, would like a veritable webinar on the psyche of a adults who are bizarrely fixated on analyzing or discussing the future sexuality of newborns. Among the baby girl onesies on offer over there, we have:
Just a girl in love with her daddy.
Sorry boys, daddy says the six feet apart rule is permanent.
Born cute. Grounded for the next 18+ years. Thanks Dad.
Sorry boys dad says no dating.
Etc.
There's a pretty widespread theory about why so many baby clothes for girls speculate about the baby's future sex life (hetero, of course, because baby future lesbians don't exist in the universe of speculating on baby girl sexuality), and her father's disapproval of said (hetero) sex life: it's because the dads in these scenarios have treated women like shit in the past and are worried that boys and men their daughter meets will treat her like how they have treated women. Slightly less bleak scenario: Dads of daughters who "aren't allowed to date... ever" are "good guys" who are trying to save their daughters from "bad guys," because despite being self-anointed "good guys" themselves, they nevertheless hang around some "bad guys" who treat women like shit. "Good guys" who allow their male friends to be "bad guys" without speaking up about how fucked up that is, however, are not "good guys." They are "cowards."
But never fear: boy babies aren't spared from creepy fixation on their future sexuality. I found the following options for them, some of which seem designed by a demented student of Freud who gave up a career in psychoanalysis when they discovered hand-lettering:
Mommy's New Man
Just a boy in love with his mommy
Future ladies' man, current mama's boy
Ladies, I have arrived
Mommy's lover boy
There are also clothes for babies that fit into a category I like to call "Daddy Fucks." Like the baby bodysuits that say, "I'm proof that my daddy doesn't shoot blanks," "I'm proof that my daddy doesn't play video games all the time," "Silly Daddy, Boobs are for baby," "I came from Nuttin'," "I'm here because my daddy bought Bitcoin and got lucky with Mommy" (huh?), and, charmingly, "Daddy's little squirt" (next to a cartoon sperm). Because if there's anything you want people to think about when they look at your child, it's cum.
There's also a subcategory of baby gear that pokes fun at dads' ineptitude, or, what a more perceptive person might call "strategic incompetence." Back at the baby big box store, there's a onesie available for boys or girls that reads "This Shirt is Daddy Proof," with arrows pointing out where the baby's head and arms go. ("My Dad's A Fucking Moron!" would also communicate the same thing, albeit with less of an air of finding a real-life co-parent's ineptitude as charming as a sitcom dad's bumbling.) Variations on this theme can be seen in many places where baby clothing can be purchased. There are no onesies that serve to instruct Mom where the neck hole is, as though it's only natural that Mom somehow possesses an innate ability to care for babies, while Dad can always be counted on to be an idiot. (Pray tell, if men deserve to lead more than 400 of the Fortune 500 companies and occupy 75% of federally elected offices, why aren't they able to dress infants? Seems humanity's more complicated jobs should be given to people capable of accomplishing the simplest of tasks.)
I get that these are attempted jokes, but, when my first reaction to seeing it is to cringe from a place deep within my bone marrow, it's safe to say they're not funny. I can't say I know for a fact what kind of adults these babies will grow into, but I know that a good way to turn a child into a holy terror is to pound it into their head from day 1 that girls are pretty princesses whose dads guard their sexuality like property and boys are rough n tumble replacement husbands for moms who will one day absolutely go out and wreak havoc on the dating scene.
What is with the bizarre fixation on imposing adult opinions on gender and sexuality on people before they can even use a toilet? Why can't babies exist in a world free from adults projecting their own baggage onto them? No wonder it's still so rough out there for kids who can't or don't want to conform. Why are we treating an unequal division of labor between mothers and fathers like it's not only natural, it's hilarious? No wonder something like 80% of divorces are initiated by women, and it's still kind of acceptable for young men to have no idea how to take care of themselves when they leave home and become some other woman's problem.
Anyway, this is a very long way to say: if you've noticed this phenomenon too, you're not the only one. Solidarity. Second, if you're not a parent, consider not buying creepy baby gear for the offspring of friends or loved ones. If they want that stuff, they'll buy it for themselves and be solely responsible for the derisive eye rolls their babies' outfits generate. And the cost of adolescent therapy their kids may need later.
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