My 2022 Mom Hall of Shame

Being the perfect parent is easy until you actually try to do it

Parenting, even moreso than other big undertakings, is easier said than done.

Before I became a parent, I had all these ideas for how I’d do it largely based on observing other parents doing things that I perceived to be wrong. A crying child in a Von’s placated with a cheap plastic toy? If I ever had kids, I wouldn’t give in to tantrums ever!

A toddler staring at an iPad mounted on a seat back of a car I’m stuck next to in traffic. If I ever had kids, I wouldn’t let them watch screens at all, ever.

A toddler throwing food all over in a restaurant and the parent just letting them do it? If I ever had kids, I simply wouldn’t allow it.

My parents, in their rural boomery way, were authoritarians who sometimes lied to us in order to elicit certain behaviors (eg “If you don’t eat three bites of beets, you will be sent to reform school.”); I vowed to rely more on less confrontational tactics (eg “OK, you don’t have to eat beets if you don’t like them. I like them because they help my body be strong and healthy, and I want you to also grow up to be strong and healthy.”) As a non-parent, I was pretty sure that mine would be a winning strategy.

But here’s the thing about absolutist declarations about what kind of mom I’d be: There are two parties involved in parenting: the parents, and the child. I can control how I, the parent, acts. I can influence how my child acts, but I cannot control how my child acts. She’s a whole separate person. This means that my parenting goals were better thought of as “I hope I have the sort of kid in the sort of circumstances that makes this possible.”

So, in that spirit, here are the top moments from 2022 when I failed to do things I thought I’d do as a mother, for your edification and amusement.