Showers, And Other Things That Actually Get Better After Having a Baby
Just because being a parent is hard doesn't mean everything sucks
There's so much out there about things that get more difficult or worse after kids-- the hacky stand up comic canard about how having children will ruin your sex life forever, the sobering pie charts about how much kids cost, the frustrating statistics about the gendered division of labor in houses with children, the sudden and permanent worry, no more time to read for pleasure, the inability to poop without a person yelling through the bathroom door or barging in ever again, the stress they can cause relationships, the ding in your social life, the physical and mental toll that pregnancy and childbirth can have on a mother's body. Et cetera.
Even with support, resources, privilege, and top-of-the-line noise canceling headphones, being a parent is hard. But it doesn't "ruin" everything. There are some things that actually get better after kids come along.
Like showering.
Five years ago, I went on a big hiking trip on the other side of the world-- for a city dwelling American, it was more an act of self-mortification than a vacation. I spent those first two weeks sleeping in progressively less insulated tea houses and looking for boulders to piss behind once we were above the tree line. I took ice cold sponge baths in the morning and cleaned my face and neck with baby wipes at night. By the time we made it back to the trailhead, every person in my trekking group was filthy and probably smelled like a suspiciously empty subway car.
Anyway, once the Khumbu portion of the trip was over and our little puddle jumper flight had landed back in Kathmandu, I took what was, until that point, the best shower of my entire life. I could practically see the two weeks' accumulated stink rays washing down the drain. I stood there letting the water run over me for at least ten minutes. My first hot water in days, the cleanest I'd ever felt, even before I picked up the soap. I decided then and there that heaven is a shower at the end of a trek.
The first shower I took after getting home from the hospital with the baby blew that one completely away. Nearly seven months later, an average PB (post-baby) shower is still better than the best showers BB (Before Baby). Showers are absolutely top-notch now.
There are a few other activities that can suddenly become awesome to parents post-baby. I'd put them all in a category I'd call "dopamine fast" activities; things that have become more enjoyable because taking care of a newborn takes up so much time and energy that happiness shifts so that the previously mundane becomes a precious reminder that you're still who you always were, kind of. These are things like:
Doing dishes while listening to a podcast
Grocery runs
Going to Lowe's literally to purchase several bags of garden dirt and that's it; just a big trunk full of dirt
Cooking
Eating a meal somewhere other than my house
Exercise
Drinking beer at a picnic table
Getting a full 8 hours of sleep
An hour of uninterrupted television
Cleaning
Being alone. I've always enjoyed being alone in moderate amounts; post-baby, being alone is a rare treat.
Second category of things that get better after having a baby is what I'd call "through their eyes" activities. Some of these I've started to experience more as my daughter's little personality develops; some are things that parents of older children say get better.
Holidays. Nothing like a baby Halloween costume. Nothing like living vicariously through a child's excitement about a random-ass holiday you'd previously commemorated only by purchasing said holiday's discount candy the day after.
Singing. Babies love it. Kids love it. Unless you're one of those adults who sing-narrates their life when they're around other adults, being around a small child means more singing and less concern about how good the singing is.
The snacks. Toddler snacks are great. Baby purees are also mostly passable.
Gift-giving
Being outdoors. They get so excited about things like don't normally excite adults, like rocks.
Swings
Noticing trucks/ buses/ construction equipment/ trains.
Cartoons
Absurdism. Juniper is currently driven insane with glee when she's held up to a mirror and I say "WHO'S THAT BABY!" in a monster voice. It's not a joke in that there's no setup or punchline, but it gets more consistent laughs than a great comic's closer.
Zoos/ botanic gardens/ parks
Weather events/snow
Forts
Rocking chairs
Witnessing formative "first time" experiences like the "first time" seeing the original Star Wars trilogy, visiting Disney World or Land, going on a camping trip, tasting ice cream, listening to Fleetwood Mac's "Rumours," touching the ocean, finger painting, etc.
Let's call the third category "stuff that you, as an adult, can technically do or enjoy without kids, but kids can make easier or more acceptable."
Saying "no" to social obligations. Some might call a baby an "excuse" to turn things down; others might call a baby a "reason." Either way, people don't question a declined invitation from a new parent.
End of FOMO. Like all generalizations about something as common as parenting, this doesn't apply to everybody. I've found, personally, that I no longer feel FOMO when I scroll through my Instagram feeds after a weekend. I'm happy for the people who are out having a good time, but no longer feel jealous or guilty about the fact that I'm not doing the same thing as they are. Just imagining myself participating in anything that happens after 10 pm makes me instantly tired.
End to procrastination. With time of the essence, parents have to either learn to get things done when they have a moment to do it, or fall behind on everything.
Work/life separation and world/life separation becomes easier when a child's immediate needs are front and center.
Self-acceptance. Some parents report a healthier relationship with themselves because they don't want their child to learn self-loathing from them. Jury's still out on this one for me, but so far being a mom has made me care less about looking put together every time I leave the house.
Visiting relatives. Like your relatives? Cool, it's even more fun to hang out with them when your kids are around to get to know and enjoy them. Dislike your relatives? Cool, the kids will distract them and the relatives will spend less time trying to talk to you. With kids, you also have a built in excuse to leave when it feels like the right time to end the visit.
Making friends. Babies and kids are great conversation starters. I've had more pleasant social interactions with random other adults (mostly parents) in the last seven months than I'd had during all of my time in my city prior to that and I've gotten to be closer friends with parents I knew during the time before baby. Parents share an understanding for how difficult, funny, and strange this can be and it's way less creepy to start a conversation with a random stranger if you've both got a stroller than it is if you're just walking down the sidewalk spacing out while listening to headphones.
Super charged empathy.
Other people's kids.
Less perfectionism around possessions. Say goodbye to having a clean house, but also say goodbye to caring if your house is perfectly clean.
Coming home/ greeting your partner who is coming home. One of my favorite things about coming home is when Josh, the dog, and the baby meet me at the door. One of my favorite things to do when Josh is coming home is to gather everybody up and make a big happy deal about the fact that he's home.
There's more, but Juniper just woke up from a nap. Time to go make monster voices in the mirror and feel like George Carlin.
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