Topical Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas for Babies Too Young To Care
Turns out, a lot of famous bald men kinda look like babies
My mother is goal-oriented. She was a finance-journalism double major in college, but dropped the finance so that she could graduate early and marry my dad. Something tells me that if she had held onto the finance major, she would have entered the world of banking and garnered a business nickname like “The Killer.” But instead (and honestly, thank goodness) she ended up being a small-town reporter-turned-newspaper columnist, and eventually went back to school to become a public school educator and later an administrator. And over the years, she’s channeled her competitive drive into being the greatest Halloween costume maker that I’ve ever seen.
A few years ago, my nephew asked to be the Edmund Fitzgerald for Halloween. For those of you who didn’t grow up within two hours of a Great Lake, the Edmund Fitzgerald was a cargo ship that sank in a Lake Superior storm in the late 1970’s, killing everybody aboard. It’s the subject of a very long Gordon Lightfoot tune that is absorbed by osmosis into midwestern kids’ brains. My nephew wanted to be… that. And so my mom, using her imagination, engineering and elbow grease, made it happen.
But not everybody has a Peggy around to create a brontosaurus costume that has a four-foot neck that can be worn as a headpiece, or a Krang the Brain costume for a one-year-old. Most parents of small children are just trying to get through each day without losing it.
So let this little newsletter remind you of a couple of things. First, you’ve still got time to assemble a top-notch baby Halloween costume. Second, you have very limited Halloweens to work with before your kid starts telling you how they want to dress, and you can’t dress them up in hilarious costumes anymore.
(I’m aware that many of these costumes are men, but it’s just the truth that bald men look more like babies than bald women do. Please consider all of these costumes to be unisex. Because again: babies do not care.)
Billy Corgan
Black tee shirt with ZERO written across the front, over a white tee shirt, and jeans. A baby-sized guitar will complete the look.
David the Gnome
Red conical hat, white beard (if you can get the baby to wear a fake beard, my god, please do it), blue shirt, brown pants, little booties.
Planet of the Bass guy/ DJ Crazy Times
Black vest with no shirt on underneath, black relaxed fit pants, red hair chalk, wraparound 90’s shades
Tom Sandoval
Why not go for the ultimate reality TV villain? Great for tots with dark hair. Slick the hair back, apply fake villain mustache, black Tom Tom! tank top, and white jeans or stretch pants. Bonus: prop microphone.
Bart Harley Jarvis
The most controversial Baby of the Year competitor. Black vest with white long sleeved shirt underneath, jeans, a red bandana tied around head.
Baby Al Pacino
Michael Corleone, but a baby. In honor of the fact that 83-year-old Al Pacino fathered a child this year.
Winston Churchill
Already looked like a baby, so all you need to do is get your baby in a smart three-piece suit, some round glasses, a pocketwatch, and a teether that looks like a cigar. With some tweaking, this one can also be Truman Capote.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Red shirt, black pants, a Starship Enterprise pin
Gwyneth Paltrow during her ski collision trial
Does your child have medium-length blonde hair? If not, will your child allow you to put a long blonde wig on them? If so, all you need to complete the look is a cream colored turtleneck and matching cream slacks, an understated stack of gold bracelets. Think quiet luxury. Parents can go as beaten up skiers. Instead of saying “thank you” for the candy, tell neighbors you wish them well.
George Costanza
Wire rimmed glasses, a green plaid button down, regular jeans, emotional deregulation. Especially good for babies and toddlers with strange hair growth patterns that haven’t resolved themselves yet.
Tobias Funke, Blue Man Group Understudy
A blue turtleneck, a blue hat, blue tights, cutoff jean shorts, fake glasses, mustache.
Megaphone Crooner
Yes, this is the second David Cross-adjacent baby Halloween costume on this list, and yes it’s a bit in the comedy nerd weeds, but the payoff will be huge if you run into another person who watches Mr. Show in order to fall asleep at night.
Simply dress your baby in a suit that is slightly too large, a bowler hat, and give the baby a prop megaphone. A good parent costume to go along with this: Electric Sports Bra.
Me As A Baby
If I’m being completely honest, I have no idea where this little TikTok mini-trend started, but I do know that this is an incredibly low-effort costume. This is only if you live in a neighborhood where others are also Moderately to Very Online. Dress your baby in a little green cone-shaped hat and a white poncho. IYKYK.