40 Lessons About Having A Baby I Wasn't Ready To Hear
The hard way is my favorite way to learn!
I had all these plans for my first baby. I was going to give birth without an epidural. I was going to plan and organize my way into a smooth newborn period. I had a feeling she was coming early!
Of course, I had no idea what I was talking about. Nobody can fully plan an experience that is totally new to them.
Most of the people in my life were polite enough not to Just You Wait! at me, but looking back, I now realize that some of the responses I interpreted as being less than supportive were actually trying to convey a wisdom on me that I didn’t yet have. And, in speaking to other friends who have recently had kids, there’s a lot that went in one ear and out the other.
So, without further ado, here are 40 lessons about pregnancy and birth that were learned the hard way.
You can’t prevent stretch marks. Lotions and creams will help soothe your skin but some people get stretch marks and some don’t and nothing you can buy can prevent it. It’s not fair, but them’s the breaks.
If this is your first baby, your baby probably isn’t going to come early. You also probably don’t want your baby to “come early.” Under normal circumstances, it’s easier to be very pregnant than it is to be the mother of a newborn baby who is recovering from childbirth. I was so hopeful that Juniper would come early that I was looking for signs of labor in everything. I ate pineapples and dates and drank raspberry leaf tea and curb walked, and when my due date came and went, I felt like a failure, even though first babies come, on average, nearly a week “late.” Now with the benefit of hindsight I can say with confidence that the baby I’m currently carrying better stay put until her due date or I’ll authentically be pissed.
The nursery is for you. Decorate it in a way that makes you happy. Or don’t decorate it. The baby doesn’t care; they can hardly see.
Close friends who are struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss may back away after you announce a pregnancy. Best to just give them space until they’re ready. For people struggling, being around pregnant people or babies can be incredibly painful.
Never wear a dress, romper, or jumpsuit to a prenatal appointment.
There’s no need to fold baby clothes. Just throw them in the drawer. Baby doesn’t care.
The baby doesn’t care about anybody but its mom for, like, months, so eager relatives need not panic that they’re being denied a chance to “bond with the baby.”
Your mom probably doesn’t actually remember exactly how easy or hard it was.
Pumping so that other people can help you feed the baby just creates more work and dishes for you during the first weeks. Feeding the baby directly= you are up every three hours with the baby. Pumping so that other people can “help”= you are up every three hours to pump anyway, while somebody else feeds the baby, and then you need to wash all of the pump parts plus sanitize the bottle parts, and dry everything. Avoid pumping unless it’s absolutely necessary. It sucks. There are better ways for other people to help.
Assume that if people offer to help, they actually want to help, and do not shy away from asking them to do helpful things.
Advice from people who had their last baby more than 5 years ago is going to be out of date. Advice from people who had their last baby 20+ years ago is going to be mostly obsolete.
For the most part, you can’t take credit for having a “good baby” nor should you feel responsible for having a “bad baby.” Kids come out like 85% the way they’re just going to be and you have very little control over their personalities. Ask anybody who had an “easy” first baby and a “nightmare” second baby. You get what you get! Anybody who says otherwise is probably trying to sell you something.
Don’t mess around with postpartum depression or anxiety.
Zippers are better than snaps 99% of the time.
You do not want twins. No, you actually don’t. Your body doesn’t want twins. Your doctor doesn’t want to deal with twins. Your budget doesn’t want to deal with twins. Your marriage doesn’t want to deal with twins.
After you give birth, no matter how you gave birth you’re going to feel like you got hit by a truck. It’ll get better but I was surprised by how bad I felt those first two weeks after even an uncomplicated birth.
Bring cookies or baked goods to Labor & Delivery. Give them to the nurse at the nurse’s station when you check in. Even if you think this is a stupid rule, you should still do it, for your own good.
If you tell people the sex of the baby before the baby shower, people will buy you gendered clothes instead of gifts off the registry.
If you tell people the name you’ve chosen for your baby before the birth, people will tell you what they think of the name.
Parental leave is for focusing on caring for the baby, which will take more time than you can imagine if you’ve never done it before. It is not a time to get extra work done or start a new project. It is a time to catch up on crappy low-intellectual lift TV shows that aren’t too loud. If you have your heart set on starting a new project or making progress on a big dream, you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed.
Looking after the baby “in shifts” means that you and your partner basically never get to hang out.
Sleep deprivation is a war crime when it’s done to captured enemy combatants, but it’s a normal part of being a new parent. The sleep deprivation will make you want to die. It’s insane that we brush off the ubiquity of this awful phase as “normal.”
Everything, good and bad, is just a phase.
People say the dumbest, weirdest, most out of pocket shit to you when you’re pregnant and postpartum. Even people who should know better.
Breastfeeding will not “ruin” your breasts. To whatever extent your breasts are “ruined,” that was caused by pregnancy, not breastfeeding.
Every parent is either convinced their baby is gifted or worried their baby is delayed.
You’ll still look kind of pregnant for like a week after giving birth. Unless you’re Kate Middleton. And “bounce back” culture is toxic; give yourself a year of grace after having a baby before you even think about trying to get anything “back.”
The birthing suites at American hospitals are ten times nicer than the recovery rooms.
At the hospital, the staff will not leave you alone. They will be in your room with you grabbing at your body at intervals that feel like 15 minutes apart. Being in the hospital is not relaxing. It is very annoying. You can tell people to leave you alone/refuse follow-up care but your doctor might get mad. (Mine did.)
Once your baby is out of their body they get their own medical bills.
If you share your birth plan, people will tell you what they think of your birth plan.
There’s an overlap between the crunchy “natural” birth community and the anti-vax community. If you’re going to give birth outside of the hospital system, make sure your values around vaccines are aligned with your practitioners.
A good doula is worth her weight in gold.
Labor is much scarier to think about beforehand than it is to actually live through. Once it starts there’s no time to be scared.
You don’t get a prize for doing everything the hard way.
Mothers remember and hold onto how they were treated by friends and relatives during pregnancy and postpartum time, for better or worse.
Due dates are fake.
Changing diapers isn’t actually that gross when they’re tiny. Baby poop, however, is very weird.
Stop responding quickly to texts in the weeks leading up to the birth if you don’t want people bothering you when you’re in the hospital. If people texting for updates while you’re in the hospital doesn’t bother you, let your partner handle that.
If you’re the mother, ask people to take photos of you with the baby. If you’re the father or a visitor, take pictures of the mother with the baby.
If any of you have lessons that you (or somebody you know) learned the hard way, feel free to share in the comments!
oh that last one -- I have approximately 2 pictures of myself with my daughter (who's now 22 years/264 months), and a million pictures of her with every tom, dick, and harry who held her for 5 seconds during her first couple of weeks of life.
If it’s your second (or any subsequent birth), get that epidural sooner than later (if that’s your jam). Shit can happen real fast even if you labored a long time the first time. Signed,someone who accidentally had an unmediated birth and screamed like a feral animal which then terrified my husband so much that he passed out and a code blue was called (everyone was fine in the end).