I loved and hated reading this. I loved it because your piece resonated so deeply with me. I hated it because I haven’t reconciled my complicated feelings around this yet. Even though I am 54. I am mom of 4, and had “surprise” twins at 43, so I am still in career limbo, and I am still, unresolved about it all (and cleaning makes me unhappy rather than calm).
I think the best way through it for all of us, is to keep talking about it, and validating it for each other.
My 7 month old just started daycare. I don’t think I was ever cut out to be a stay at home mom, but I simultaneously miss her, yet am relieved to not be trying to work and care for her at the same time. I felt so burned out and like I was failing everyone. She loves daycare, I am relieved about that, but also guilty that I could not give her what she needed while at home and working. It’s all so complex. I told myself that I could handle that both my job and my child aren’t getting 100% of me, but it is harder than I thought.
This hits for me too. My mom says that I am basically a 'stay at home mom who works'. I absolutely loved the year I took off to be with my son his first year of life. And my plan was to go back to teaching 80% and then have half the day to spend with him. I'm so lucky that I'm able to and I wouldn't have it any other way - but I don't get enough sleep, my house is constantly a mess, and my to do list of non urgent things to take care of never shrinks. Not to mention exercise or reading for pleasure or other "me" things.
We spent the first two plus years navigating parenting with not enough daycare. When we finally had full time care, I felt like Brad Cooper in Limitless. I wonder if we all subconsciously devalue the work of writing by telling ourselves things like “oh I can do it during naptime or after bedtime.” Also, turns out my COVID-era kid could really use more time to socialize! Mom guilt hits you coming and going.
This is so real. My son is 13 months now and since I work from home, with my own business, I naively thought that I could “watch him while I work.” After about a month of that I realized I cannot do either sufficiently at the same time. We got a part time nanny until we found a daycare (a new one had to open because waitlists were over a year long). And now I feel like I’m as close to having it all as I can be; I run a law firm, I spend mornings and evenings with my son and husband, and I don’t feel as lost in the weeds as I did while trying to balance both myself. As for getting back to former hobbies and feeling/looking like myself again, that’s another session.
My theory is that humans evolved in the context of social community groups, with lots of members sharing childcare, and that's why human infants are so helpless and needy, and it's not normal nor reasonable to expect one or even two people to be able to care for them sufficiently, work, and also maintain sanity. It really does take a village and modern society isn’t the right kind of village, so both parents and children suffer as a result.
I just read paragraphs of this out loud to my husband. We both work full time, we have wonderful childcare for our nearly 1 year old (that I low level always feel guilty about), and yet I still feel like a failure, like I'm that old iPhone. Thank you for putting into words what I feel so acutely. I have no solutions either except to give myself more grace and be okay with --for right now anyway-- zoning out with tv after the baby goes to bed, and starting it all over again the next day.
This is one of the truest reflections on this subject that I’ve ever read. Attorney here, two daughters, now 11 & 8. The years of babyhood, toddlers, preschoolers were such a challenge. No answers. But in career v baby, & baby v self, baby prevailed for me, too. Still waiting on having it all- or even just having some of those things that I wish for.
I read you on all of this. ::makes encompassing circle with open hand:: I was a career woman in the medical field for over 20 years, and now I'm the stay at home mom with no sense of self. I just asked myself the other day "how did I get here and who am I besides 'mama' to a one year old, who, half the time shows me she doesn't need me to help her?" I miss my career, but I do not foresee going back - the desire to have my child in my care far outweighs the desire to collect a paycheck just to give it to someone else to raise my child. I've contemplated finding a WFH job, but my child has ADHD and her body does not stop moving unless she's asleep. Finding a few hours of focus on anything but her is nearly impossible. Maybe in a year we can stuff envelopes together (her dexterity is impeccable!)
Thanks for this, and what serendipitous timing. I'm taking a week off from my part-time job next week to really think about if I want to continue or stay home with my 3yo. I completely relate to everything you said, especially not being able to keep the house clean (literally had to shove toys out of my room with my foot before bed last night with a heavy sigh and a commitment to pretend I didn't see the mess I just saw).
100% hear this and I just try to remind myself that the people with everything, with all the success in America, probably aren’t actually any happier or more fulfilled than me. Tend your garden.
As usual, this is spot on. Riding along with you on this motherhood journey has been a real joy. I'm about 7 years ahead of you, but this all feels like a) you're in my head and b) this is yesterday. Sending you personally love and support. Check out Fair play and the concept of the Unicorn Space if you haven't yet.
This piece resonated with me, a fellow oldest daughter who thought all those lesser women couldn’t do it but I surely could. Ha!
I’m a teacher. My own children (4 & 2) are in daycare 10 months a year for me to go take care of other people’s children in exchange for a paycheck. I don’t think I could love my job more, and I’ve worked really hard to become good at it. AND ALSO there are days I miss my own kids so much that my stomach hurts.
Nothing groundbreaking or new to add to this conversation...just adding my commiseration.
This resonates so deeply with my experience. I am a working full time from home and “sharing” the child care duties with my husband who is freelance. Thank you so much for sharing this entire blog, it is so important to be reminded that other moms are experiencing the same things. The mommy bubble can be so isolating, especially when you are trying to “have it all”.
"I feel like a failure all of the time." I read this essay when you posted it a week or so ago. Every working mother I know has said something like this...constantly. I first expressed it when my now 15-year old was 6 months old as, "I'm not doing anything WELL. I'm hanging on, but everything I do is now barely average: as a child, a wife, a mother, a lawyer, a friend, a ... everything." I still feel that way a lot of the time. But what I learned, through a horrifying divorce, custody battle, poverty, renewal, and (I hope) a better future is that my best is pretty freaking good. Being able to say, "that's not available," when my kid asks for something that I need to say no to, rather than a "fuck no!" as my own mother would've said (and which I may be thinking), is doing pretty well. And when my boys are kind - and they are very kind - I know that's my doing and done despite my asshole ex.
I try to talk to myself the way I would talk to you Erin (or any other new mom) - - you're doing great; this is hard; it feels long, but it is very, very short. Three things need to happen: J needs to be potty trained, learn to tell time, and learn to zip her own jacket. When those things happen, you will be amazed at how independent she will be. And you will feel so much better.
As my mother used to say, "shoulders back, tits up." It's all going to be better than ok. I promise.
Thank you for sharing this. Resonate with so much as a mom of 2 (3.5 years and a 8 month old). Having the brain space outside of childcare to think and work creatively is so much more challenging than I imagined it would be, and is something I haven't really heard talked about enough. t's not good or bad, it's just so so different. I think it helped me to realize (and work on accepting) is that there really isn't any "going back" to whoever I was before children. The person who jogged and went for long aimless walks with friends and cooked delicious thoughtful meals most nights. I'm becoming someone else now, and isn't that we're all always doing anyway?
I loved and hated reading this. I loved it because your piece resonated so deeply with me. I hated it because I haven’t reconciled my complicated feelings around this yet. Even though I am 54. I am mom of 4, and had “surprise” twins at 43, so I am still in career limbo, and I am still, unresolved about it all (and cleaning makes me unhappy rather than calm).
I think the best way through it for all of us, is to keep talking about it, and validating it for each other.
My 7 month old just started daycare. I don’t think I was ever cut out to be a stay at home mom, but I simultaneously miss her, yet am relieved to not be trying to work and care for her at the same time. I felt so burned out and like I was failing everyone. She loves daycare, I am relieved about that, but also guilty that I could not give her what she needed while at home and working. It’s all so complex. I told myself that I could handle that both my job and my child aren’t getting 100% of me, but it is harder than I thought.
This hits for me too. My mom says that I am basically a 'stay at home mom who works'. I absolutely loved the year I took off to be with my son his first year of life. And my plan was to go back to teaching 80% and then have half the day to spend with him. I'm so lucky that I'm able to and I wouldn't have it any other way - but I don't get enough sleep, my house is constantly a mess, and my to do list of non urgent things to take care of never shrinks. Not to mention exercise or reading for pleasure or other "me" things.
We spent the first two plus years navigating parenting with not enough daycare. When we finally had full time care, I felt like Brad Cooper in Limitless. I wonder if we all subconsciously devalue the work of writing by telling ourselves things like “oh I can do it during naptime or after bedtime.” Also, turns out my COVID-era kid could really use more time to socialize! Mom guilt hits you coming and going.
This is so real. My son is 13 months now and since I work from home, with my own business, I naively thought that I could “watch him while I work.” After about a month of that I realized I cannot do either sufficiently at the same time. We got a part time nanny until we found a daycare (a new one had to open because waitlists were over a year long). And now I feel like I’m as close to having it all as I can be; I run a law firm, I spend mornings and evenings with my son and husband, and I don’t feel as lost in the weeds as I did while trying to balance both myself. As for getting back to former hobbies and feeling/looking like myself again, that’s another session.
My theory is that humans evolved in the context of social community groups, with lots of members sharing childcare, and that's why human infants are so helpless and needy, and it's not normal nor reasonable to expect one or even two people to be able to care for them sufficiently, work, and also maintain sanity. It really does take a village and modern society isn’t the right kind of village, so both parents and children suffer as a result.
I just read paragraphs of this out loud to my husband. We both work full time, we have wonderful childcare for our nearly 1 year old (that I low level always feel guilty about), and yet I still feel like a failure, like I'm that old iPhone. Thank you for putting into words what I feel so acutely. I have no solutions either except to give myself more grace and be okay with --for right now anyway-- zoning out with tv after the baby goes to bed, and starting it all over again the next day.
This is one of the truest reflections on this subject that I’ve ever read. Attorney here, two daughters, now 11 & 8. The years of babyhood, toddlers, preschoolers were such a challenge. No answers. But in career v baby, & baby v self, baby prevailed for me, too. Still waiting on having it all- or even just having some of those things that I wish for.
I read you on all of this. ::makes encompassing circle with open hand:: I was a career woman in the medical field for over 20 years, and now I'm the stay at home mom with no sense of self. I just asked myself the other day "how did I get here and who am I besides 'mama' to a one year old, who, half the time shows me she doesn't need me to help her?" I miss my career, but I do not foresee going back - the desire to have my child in my care far outweighs the desire to collect a paycheck just to give it to someone else to raise my child. I've contemplated finding a WFH job, but my child has ADHD and her body does not stop moving unless she's asleep. Finding a few hours of focus on anything but her is nearly impossible. Maybe in a year we can stuff envelopes together (her dexterity is impeccable!)
Thanks for this, and what serendipitous timing. I'm taking a week off from my part-time job next week to really think about if I want to continue or stay home with my 3yo. I completely relate to everything you said, especially not being able to keep the house clean (literally had to shove toys out of my room with my foot before bed last night with a heavy sigh and a commitment to pretend I didn't see the mess I just saw).
100% hear this and I just try to remind myself that the people with everything, with all the success in America, probably aren’t actually any happier or more fulfilled than me. Tend your garden.
As usual, this is spot on. Riding along with you on this motherhood journey has been a real joy. I'm about 7 years ahead of you, but this all feels like a) you're in my head and b) this is yesterday. Sending you personally love and support. Check out Fair play and the concept of the Unicorn Space if you haven't yet.
This piece resonated with me, a fellow oldest daughter who thought all those lesser women couldn’t do it but I surely could. Ha!
I’m a teacher. My own children (4 & 2) are in daycare 10 months a year for me to go take care of other people’s children in exchange for a paycheck. I don’t think I could love my job more, and I’ve worked really hard to become good at it. AND ALSO there are days I miss my own kids so much that my stomach hurts.
Nothing groundbreaking or new to add to this conversation...just adding my commiseration.
This resonates so deeply with my experience. I am a working full time from home and “sharing” the child care duties with my husband who is freelance. Thank you so much for sharing this entire blog, it is so important to be reminded that other moms are experiencing the same things. The mommy bubble can be so isolating, especially when you are trying to “have it all”.
"I feel like a failure all of the time." I read this essay when you posted it a week or so ago. Every working mother I know has said something like this...constantly. I first expressed it when my now 15-year old was 6 months old as, "I'm not doing anything WELL. I'm hanging on, but everything I do is now barely average: as a child, a wife, a mother, a lawyer, a friend, a ... everything." I still feel that way a lot of the time. But what I learned, through a horrifying divorce, custody battle, poverty, renewal, and (I hope) a better future is that my best is pretty freaking good. Being able to say, "that's not available," when my kid asks for something that I need to say no to, rather than a "fuck no!" as my own mother would've said (and which I may be thinking), is doing pretty well. And when my boys are kind - and they are very kind - I know that's my doing and done despite my asshole ex.
I try to talk to myself the way I would talk to you Erin (or any other new mom) - - you're doing great; this is hard; it feels long, but it is very, very short. Three things need to happen: J needs to be potty trained, learn to tell time, and learn to zip her own jacket. When those things happen, you will be amazed at how independent she will be. And you will feel so much better.
As my mother used to say, "shoulders back, tits up." It's all going to be better than ok. I promise.
Thank you for sharing this. Resonate with so much as a mom of 2 (3.5 years and a 8 month old). Having the brain space outside of childcare to think and work creatively is so much more challenging than I imagined it would be, and is something I haven't really heard talked about enough. t's not good or bad, it's just so so different. I think it helped me to realize (and work on accepting) is that there really isn't any "going back" to whoever I was before children. The person who jogged and went for long aimless walks with friends and cooked delicious thoughtful meals most nights. I'm becoming someone else now, and isn't that we're all always doing anyway?
ps. my words for the year are "Enjoy it" ;)